I am becoming real
Again.

Once, when I was eleven, I went to a sixth grade dance and it was awkward and embarrassing and nobody knew what to say and everyone pretended they did and when I got home my little brother asked me how it was.
He was nine
And I didn’t know how to tell him how devastated I felt
I didn’t want him to know that everyone has to pretend all the time and there’s no way to actually connect with anyone 
Ever.
So I gave him the Santa-Claus version of reality. I told him that it was really cool being in middle school because everyone danced however they wanted to and nobody judged anybody and it was 
So
Much
Fun.

Two years later, he called me on my lie. 
He’d been to the dance and his eyes
Big
Dark
Sad
Accused me
As if it was my fault that nobody knew how to be real anymore.

Years before that, I knew how to be real. I felt what I felt and I needed what I needed and I knew what I wanted and I expressed these things as they came up. 
I ate when I was hungry and slept when I was tired and when the urge to create something came to me I created
Something
Anything
And showed my creations off 
Proudly
To anyone.
I cried sadness and screamed panic and shouted anger and laughed giddy giggles in anticipation of joy
And when the joy came
I smiled 
A real smile.

It was easy
Life flowed in and out with each breath and every moment was 
Just 
That 
Moment.

I don’t know when I forgot how to be real. 
I could point to dozens of events
Memories that seem to stand in front of who I wanted to be, 
Waving a finger
Shaking a head
Telling me it was not okay to be the only thing I knew how to be.

It wasn’t a flash of insight or a single shift
But a thousand little twists and turns
Always made with a goal of gaining something
The most important thing
Love.

So I pretended to be what it seemed I was supposed to be
Pretended the way others were pretending
Pretended away all the feelings and needs and wants 
Until I forgot why I was pretending
And then
Forgot I was pretending at all.

I worked through hunger and worried through sleepless nights and smiled through sadness and clenched my teeth to hold the bitter anger back
And I didn’t understand why it hurt 
So 
Much

I mean, my life was perfect. 
Right?
I did all the things I was supposed to do and went to all the right places and kept all the ugly feelings locked away in secret boxes where no one could see them and bought things and collected things and had things and guarded things because they were MINE 
And still it hurt 
So
Much

And when the pain was so big
It was seeping from my pores
When the pain was so big
There seemed to be nothing else
When the pain was so big
I couldn’t stand it
For one more breath
I asked
“Does anyone 
Ever
Talk about 
Anything
Real?”

Real.

Do you remember being real?

I am remembering
And remembering feels like a deep breath after a summer rain
And remembering feels like dark chocolate melting on my tongue
And remembering feels like a gentle kiss on my forehead
Cheeks
Lips
It feels like the thing I most wanted 
The thing I worked so hard to get
The thing we are ALL trying 
So
Hard
to get

It feels like love
Because it is.

Love isn’t something you get from someone else.

Love is what we are.